Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Poem: Desert Places
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
By Robert Frost
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
By Robert Frost
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday Song for Lulu
There's even an uplifting spiritual message, I think. And to the person who sent this along, thanks for the treat.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Lulu vs. Cybil: The Plot Stinkens
“Lulu, I'm going to the mall. How would you like me to buy you a new outfit?” Cybil asked in an unusually civil tone. She had just thrown the book she finished reading into the fire, prodding it with to poker so it would burn through.
“Why did you burn your book?” Lulu asked. Cybil was acting very strangely since the book arrived via special delivery, carried by a creature that Lulu didn't get a good look at, but would have sworn was a winged monkey. Lulu could hear the wind howling as Cybil stared at her awaiting an answer, in spite of the fact that it was Lulu who had posed the question. A gale blew in from Seattle just around dinner time. It was now a dark and stormy night, and a strange time to go shopping. Nobody had mentioned shopping, but it definitely was not the best time.
“Because I'm finished with the book,” Cybil explained after giving Lulu an appraising look, “and I don't want anyone else reading it. Isn't that clear? Now, do you want to go shopping or not?”
Lulu was confused. Shopping for an outfit sounded like fun, but Cybil had never offered to take Lulu shopping before, and burning a book was a weird thing to do. Usually books were supposed to be read by as many people as wanted to read them. That's why librarians made libraries.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Lulu? I'm your cousin, and I've taken you plenty of places before.”
This was sort of true. But Cybil usually took her places when Granny insisted upon it.
“I don't know,” Lulu hedged. “Isn't it kind of late and kind of stormy for shopping?”
“Don't worry about that. Do you want to go, or not?”
Lulu looked at her hand where the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring sparkled in its plastic glory, and she decided that Cybil couldn't do anything too bad. If she tried anything really bad, Lulu could use the Bling Ring to escape.
“Okay, I'll go, but only if you promise not to talk to me all the way to the mall,” Lulu stated, sure that the bratty demand would make Cybil reconsider.
“Fine. Go get in the car.”
The windshield wipers were barely keeping up with the deluge as they drove through the pouring rain toward the mall. True to her word, Cybil said nothing as she drove down Main Street and right past the mall.
“Wait a minute. You just passed it,” Lulu objected.
Cybil didn't answer.
“Cybil, you said we were going to the mall,” she said, louder this time.
Still Cybil stared ahead, into the storm and said not a word.
“Cybil. Talk to me,” Lulu demanded. “What are you doing?”
“I thought you didn't want me to talk to you,” Cybil finally answered.
“I want you to now. Why aren't we stopping at the mall?”
“Silly,” Cybil answered. “That mall is mostly closed at this late hour. I'm taking you to a better mall, where they have a special sale going on tonight only. You're going to love it.”
Lulu was feeling pretty uneasy about this development. Maybe Cybil was telling the truth, though. She did like the idea of a new outfit.
It wasn't long before Cybil turned into a parking lot in front of a strip mall where Lulu had never before been. There were some people running to and from cars with their umbrellas held high, and the ones returning did appear to have shopping bags, so perhaps Cybil was telling the truth about the sale.
“Grab your umbrella, and get out,” Cybil ordered Lulu. At her feet Lulu did find an umbrella. It was uncharacteristically thoughtful of Cybil, but then so was Cybil's offer to buy Lulu an outfit. Cybil might be trying to turn over a new leaf, Lulu reasoned, and that would be a good thing.
Lulu could hardly believe her eyes as she entered the store. A velvet Elvis, decorated with rhinestones, hung on the wall, figurines of large-eyed children lined shelves next to unicorn figurines spouting rainbows from their snouts and the like. There were cases of fake “jewels” in which her Bling Ring would feel right at home. In short, there was nothing gaudy, tacky, or otherwise garish which was not present inside the store, and atop, or adrip, of every absurd looking thing was another thing of such incredible ostentatious decorativeness that the effect of the store was nearly blinding.
“The clothing racks are over there,” Cybil said, pointing toward the rear of the store, as she slipped on her sunglasses.
Lulu wasn't sure what to say, so she headed for the clothing. What she saw there was not at all reassuring.
“How about this?” Cybil asked holding up an outfit she was sure her mother would call “inapporpriate.” It looked like a leopard print, fake fur space suit. It was rainbow hued and the fabric also incorporated glitter. Needless to say, it was not an outfit Lulu had envisioned for herself. Lulu's face must have indicated as much, because Cybil placed it back on the rack with a snort of derision.
“Is the Witch here somewhere?” Lulu asked, looking around. She couldn't, otherwise, imagine why they had come to this strange store.
“The Witch is extremely aesthetically vulnerable. She wouldn't set foot in here,” Cybil answered. “One tenth this level of vulgarity would send her into... Well, we'd better not even go there.”
“Why did you bring me here then? I don't want anything from this store and you don't either,” Lulu observed.
“Well, we'll certainly try on some perfume.” Cybil produced a bottle and sprayed a sweetly stinking cloud of noxiousness at Lulu, leaving her choking for air, her eyes watering even as she was seized by a fit of sneezing.
“Better get out of here. I think you may be allergic.” Cybil grabbed Lulu's arm and dragged her toward the door.
The fresh, if rainy, night air did help Lulu. Her sneezes stopped and her eyes dried.
“Why did you spray me with that stuff, Cybil?” Lulu asked. “It was horrible.”
“You asked to go shopping,” Cybil answered, haughtily.
“No, you asked me. You were supposed to get me an outfit at the mall and instead you took me to that place...”
“I offered you an outfit. You turned up your little pointy nose at it.”
Lulu said nothing, although she was tempted to point out her nose wasn't pointy, but that would be pointless. Clearly, Cybil had some ulterior motive for this trip, but as yet, Lulu had no idea what it might be.
“Where are we going? This isn't the way back to Granny's house.” The streets were fast turning into raging rivers. Even so, Cybil continued toward the edge of town.
Cybil took no notice of Lulu's querie, staring straight ahead into the dark and stormy night.
“I'll use my bling ring and go back home if you don't tell me what you're up to, Cybil.”
“I'm counting on it, Lulu. In fact, my plan won't be complete until you do just that.”
“E.T. Phone home, E.T. Phone home, E.T. Phone home,” Lulu repeated as she twisted the Magical Ruby Witch Repelling Bling Ring on her finger, expecting that she would dematerialize back to Granny's house the moment she gave it the final turn. It had worked like magic the few times she had done it before. Instead she remained where she was: seatbelted into Cybil's car.
“It didn't work. What have you done to my Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring?”
Cybil just smiled and evil little smile, but Lulu could tell she wanted to gloat.
“Tell me how you did it, Cybil.”
“Ah, wouldn't you like to know.”
“Yes. That's why I asked. And where are you taking me now?”
“We have a stop to make before we go home,” Cybil said, as she turned down a lonely deserted road toward the absolute middle of nowhere.
“Tell me why my Bling Ring didn’t work.”
“It was a brilliant plan, really,” Cybil began. “I'm sure you remember the Wicked Witch of West Texas mentioning to you that there were things about the Bling Ring you had no way of understanding.”
“How would you know? You weren't there,” Lulu retorted.
“I know the whole story, Lulu. Including your visit to the Black Mansion and Sugarland, Not-Texas, as well as your interesting way of solving your problems there.”
Lulu didn't much like the way the conversation was heading, having assumed that what happened in Sugarland stayed in Sugarland. Nobody but the Witch should have known the story. There were some episodes that Lulu definitely didn't want getting back to her parents.
“That's beside the point now, though. You were asking about the Ring,” Cybil continued.
Lulu was glad to have the subject shift back to the Ring. But still, did Cybil really know about her whole adventure?
“Tell me what you did to it,” she demanded.
“Well, the Ring is not what it appears to be. In fact, it's disguised and it also had a hideousness hex placed on it by an amateur Wizard of your recent acquaintance. Not that he had the skill to do such a thing on his own, but he managed to get his hands on some potions when he worked for the Witch as a yes-man.”
Lulu knew she must be referring to the Marginal Wizard of Calamity Flats who had sold her dad, Jonah the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring.
“So, you've done something to my Bling Ring?”
“You really are a quick study, Lulu.”
“Why would you do that? It would be helping the Witch.”
“Precisely, Lulu. You’re catching on.”
“You hate the Witch,” Lulu objected.
“Why would I hate my own dear mother who taught me the first five precepts of Wickidity? Who do you think gave me my first Witch doll, and my first cauldron?”
“Why do you always say rude things to her then?”
“What part of the word ‘Wicked’ do you not understand, Lulu?” Cybil asked. “I know you've been over this with the Witch, so don't be daft.”
“You can’t drive all the way to Texas tonight,” Lulu pointed out. “We didn’t even pack for that long of trip.”
“Oops. The car seems to be having trouble,” Cybil commented, looking none too concerned. “Guess we’ll have to get out and walk to that spooky hauntedish mansion over there.” Cybil pointed at a house that didn’t look inviting at all.
“The Witch isn’t there, is she?”
“Well, now Lulu, we’ll find that out when we get there.”
“I won’t go.” Lulu folded her arms in front of her chest defiantly.
“Do you think it’s safe to sit in the car all night out here in the middle of nowhere? And do you have any idea how cold it’s going to get?” With that Cybil got out of the car and started walking. Lulu had little choice but to follow.
As they approached the house Lulu could hear loud music and it became clear that there was a party in progress. Lulu liked parties, but only if they were for her.
As they approached the door it was thrown open by a weird looking character with wild hair and wilder eyes. Lulu was pretty sure this was one of the people covered under the well known rule: don’t talk to strangers. A stranger being Lulu had never seen.
“Enter,” the creature bade them, and Cybil did so without hesitation. Lulu knew she would rather stick with Cybil than to trust her fate to the designs of the stranger, so she quickly followed.
“Hello Lulu,” the Witch said as they entered the room. “Like my new outfit?”
“It’s black. No surprise there,” Lulu shot back.
“It’s Prada, from the Marfa store, but I was really referring more to the accessories,” the Witch answered holding out her hand to show Lulu the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring.
“That’s my ring,” Lulu exclaimed. She looked down at her hand, where moments before the ring was garishly glinting on ther finger, and sure enough, it was gone.
“All rings here are my rings, Lulu. Cybil fixed the Hideousness Hex on the ring, which, as I hoped, actually inverted the hex, so that I am now inured to even the most horrendous vulgarity, but now for the biggest surprise.” The Witch produced a weird wand from inside her sleeve and waved it over the ring. When the smoke cleared, Lulu could barely believe her eyes.
The Bling Ring had turned into something fabulous.
“This, my dear Lulu, is the eye of Ganesh, one of the most valuable rubies ever,” the Witch explained, looking quite pleased.
“But...” Lulu stammered. It was truly the most beautiful thing Lulu had seen. Ever.
“As was explained to you, it was disguised as part of a plot by an unscrupulous employee, to steal the ring. I will deal with him later, but let's just say I think the sea is missing a giant albino slug. Right now I'm just glad to have my ring back. Now, you beat it, I'm having a party and children are frightfully dull at parties.” The Witch shooed her with the wave of her hand, like one would a pesky fly, and then turned away.
All of the sudden music began to play again and a whole host of people Granny would refer to as weirdos began a horridish dance.
“I am so going to tell on you, Cybil,” Lulu threatened.
“Who cares? Nobody will believe you after you got caught feeding your peas to Bob. Let's get out of here.”
“What are my mom and dad going to say when they see the Bling Ring is gone?”
“I'm sure you'll think of some excuse,” Cybil said. “If you tell them what really happened they'll just assume you lost the thing and are trying another tall tale, like your far-fetched kidnapping story, to explain it.
Lulu realized that Cybil was right. She was going to have to say she lost the ring, or be accused of making things up, yet again.
“I still don't understand how going into that store changed my ring.”
“Oh, that was easy. The vulgarity of the items in the store weakened the ring significantly, then the perfume could work its magic.”
“Perfume cancelled the curse?” Lulu asked, surprised that such a powerful perfume existed.
“The Witch has connections inside a major perfume house, and she was able to concoct a scent of that is, in itself, a curse to all who wear it, but moreso to anyone who is stuck indoors with such a person. This scent was the hideous straw that broke the back of the hideousness hex once and for all.”
“Oh, my goodness. What is that horrible smell?” Granny screamed just moments after Lulu stepped inside the house. I think I'm going to vomit,” she yelled, running toward the back bathroom. Just then Jonas came into the living room.
“Oh, crap. What happened in here?” He held his nose and looked around. “Where's the dog?”
“It's Lulu. She put on some horrible perfume at the mall,” Cybil explained. “I told her not to, but she just told me to shut up and doused herself in it.”
“I'm going to puke,” Jonas announced, and ran toward the bathroom. A super loud “RAAAAAGH, RUUUUUUAAAAGH” erupted from the bathroom, as Jonas's guts staged a coup.
Lulu noticed that Cybil was smiling just a little. At precisely that moment, Anne, Lulu's mom came into the room.
“If you're going to vomit, you'll have to go outside and bark at the ants. Both bathrooms are occupied,” Cybil announced.
“What is that horrendous scent?” Lulu's mother asked, clearly appalled at the olfactory assault she was experiencing. “Is it some kind of foul perfume?”
“Bingo,” Cybil assented. “Outside if you have to barf. Both bathrooms are taken,” Cybil reiterated, pointing toward the back door. Anne ran toward the door, slamming it behind her.
Just then Jonas reemerged from the bathroom, his complexion looking like cottage cheese left out in the sun in mid-July, except without the flies. “Get her outside before we all have to go to the hospital,” he ordered Cybil, who grabbed her umbrella with one hand and Lulu's arm with the other, dragging her toward the door.
“But I can't even smell it any more,” Lulu objected.
“That's one of its horrendous secrets,” Cybil explained.
“Hose her down,” Jonas ordered, “and use this,” he added, handing Lulu a bottle of dishwashing liquid.
“But, but...” Lulu tried to object. It was a dark and really stormy night.
“Come on. You might as well get it over with,” Cybil pulled her along dumping the entire bottle of slithery dish soap over her as soon as the reached the yard.
“Lather yourself and then I'll rinse you.”
Lulu stood there, staring at Cybil.
“Hurry up. I'm getting cold, and you'll be lucky if they even let you back in the house as it is.”
“I hate you,” Lulu snarled at Cybil.
“That's very sweet of you to say,” Cybil answered.
Lulu's teeth were chattering and she was dripping wet when she was allowed to reenter the house. Her soaked clothes clung to her shivering body.”
“She doesn't stink nearly as much...” Anne began.
“It is better,” Jonas agreed, “Just in case, though, I set up the cot in the garage.”
Granny handed Lulu a towel, remarking: “That will teach you not to spray on any old thing you see at the mall.”
Cybil could no longer stifle her smile.
“Better go to the garage, now, before anything else happens,” Anne said firmly, still dripping a little from having to puke out in the rain.
“It's cold out there,” Lulu pointed out, as she looked longingly at the crackling fire in the fireplace.
“Your dad put a heater out there, and there's a nice sleeping bag on the cot. You'll be fine,” Anne assured her.
“What about dinner?”
“Nobody will be able to eat a thing with you in the house. I'll send Cybil out with some toast or something later.”
“I don't want to stay all night out in the garage,” Lulu objected again.
“Well, let this be a learning experience for you,” Jonas said, pointing toward the garage. It was a learning experience alright. She was quickly learning that Cybil was not to be trusted.
Cybil entered the garage, holding a book about werewolves and vampires she recently read.
“I thought I'd bring you some comforting reading material,” she said, setting it on the cot next to Lulu, who had dried off and changed into the sweats her mom left for her. “You know, so you won't get scared out here all by yourself. I'm pretty sure if anything happened someone would hear you scream, as long as the wind isn't blowing too hard.” Cybil set the book down beside Lulu.
“That's not the book I want to read. What about the one you burned?”
“Better go to bed now, Lulu.”
“Wait,” Lulu called. “Why didn't the perfume make you puke?”
“The Witch devised a special stink negating nose salve. The same perfume house that's manufacturing that horrible perfume is going to market it. It's a brilliantly evil plan, really. First some gauche creature pays a fortune for the perfume, and then everyone who has to be around that person will be lining up to pay an equally exorbitant price for the antidote. Anyway, I have better things to do than sit in this cold garage surrounded by old engine parts and deepening shadows.” Cybil turned to go. “See ya. And enjoy your reading. I imagine you'll find it quite comforting out here in the lonely darkness.”
As Cybil exited the garage Lulu made one promise to herself: if ever the opportunity for revenge presented itself, Cybil would be toast. Thinking of toast just reminded her that Cybil hadn't brought her anything to eat. It was going to be a long night.
“Why did you burn your book?” Lulu asked. Cybil was acting very strangely since the book arrived via special delivery, carried by a creature that Lulu didn't get a good look at, but would have sworn was a winged monkey. Lulu could hear the wind howling as Cybil stared at her awaiting an answer, in spite of the fact that it was Lulu who had posed the question. A gale blew in from Seattle just around dinner time. It was now a dark and stormy night, and a strange time to go shopping. Nobody had mentioned shopping, but it definitely was not the best time.
“Because I'm finished with the book,” Cybil explained after giving Lulu an appraising look, “and I don't want anyone else reading it. Isn't that clear? Now, do you want to go shopping or not?”
Lulu was confused. Shopping for an outfit sounded like fun, but Cybil had never offered to take Lulu shopping before, and burning a book was a weird thing to do. Usually books were supposed to be read by as many people as wanted to read them. That's why librarians made libraries.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Lulu? I'm your cousin, and I've taken you plenty of places before.”
This was sort of true. But Cybil usually took her places when Granny insisted upon it.
“I don't know,” Lulu hedged. “Isn't it kind of late and kind of stormy for shopping?”
“Don't worry about that. Do you want to go, or not?”
Lulu looked at her hand where the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring sparkled in its plastic glory, and she decided that Cybil couldn't do anything too bad. If she tried anything really bad, Lulu could use the Bling Ring to escape.
“Okay, I'll go, but only if you promise not to talk to me all the way to the mall,” Lulu stated, sure that the bratty demand would make Cybil reconsider.
“Fine. Go get in the car.”
The windshield wipers were barely keeping up with the deluge as they drove through the pouring rain toward the mall. True to her word, Cybil said nothing as she drove down Main Street and right past the mall.
“Wait a minute. You just passed it,” Lulu objected.
Cybil didn't answer.
“Cybil, you said we were going to the mall,” she said, louder this time.
Still Cybil stared ahead, into the storm and said not a word.
“Cybil. Talk to me,” Lulu demanded. “What are you doing?”
“I thought you didn't want me to talk to you,” Cybil finally answered.
“I want you to now. Why aren't we stopping at the mall?”
“Silly,” Cybil answered. “That mall is mostly closed at this late hour. I'm taking you to a better mall, where they have a special sale going on tonight only. You're going to love it.”
Lulu was feeling pretty uneasy about this development. Maybe Cybil was telling the truth, though. She did like the idea of a new outfit.
It wasn't long before Cybil turned into a parking lot in front of a strip mall where Lulu had never before been. There were some people running to and from cars with their umbrellas held high, and the ones returning did appear to have shopping bags, so perhaps Cybil was telling the truth about the sale.
“Grab your umbrella, and get out,” Cybil ordered Lulu. At her feet Lulu did find an umbrella. It was uncharacteristically thoughtful of Cybil, but then so was Cybil's offer to buy Lulu an outfit. Cybil might be trying to turn over a new leaf, Lulu reasoned, and that would be a good thing.
Lulu could hardly believe her eyes as she entered the store. A velvet Elvis, decorated with rhinestones, hung on the wall, figurines of large-eyed children lined shelves next to unicorn figurines spouting rainbows from their snouts and the like. There were cases of fake “jewels” in which her Bling Ring would feel right at home. In short, there was nothing gaudy, tacky, or otherwise garish which was not present inside the store, and atop, or adrip, of every absurd looking thing was another thing of such incredible ostentatious decorativeness that the effect of the store was nearly blinding.
“The clothing racks are over there,” Cybil said, pointing toward the rear of the store, as she slipped on her sunglasses.
Lulu wasn't sure what to say, so she headed for the clothing. What she saw there was not at all reassuring.
“How about this?” Cybil asked holding up an outfit she was sure her mother would call “inapporpriate.” It looked like a leopard print, fake fur space suit. It was rainbow hued and the fabric also incorporated glitter. Needless to say, it was not an outfit Lulu had envisioned for herself. Lulu's face must have indicated as much, because Cybil placed it back on the rack with a snort of derision.
“Is the Witch here somewhere?” Lulu asked, looking around. She couldn't, otherwise, imagine why they had come to this strange store.
“The Witch is extremely aesthetically vulnerable. She wouldn't set foot in here,” Cybil answered. “One tenth this level of vulgarity would send her into... Well, we'd better not even go there.”
“Why did you bring me here then? I don't want anything from this store and you don't either,” Lulu observed.
“Well, we'll certainly try on some perfume.” Cybil produced a bottle and sprayed a sweetly stinking cloud of noxiousness at Lulu, leaving her choking for air, her eyes watering even as she was seized by a fit of sneezing.
“Better get out of here. I think you may be allergic.” Cybil grabbed Lulu's arm and dragged her toward the door.
The fresh, if rainy, night air did help Lulu. Her sneezes stopped and her eyes dried.
“Why did you spray me with that stuff, Cybil?” Lulu asked. “It was horrible.”
“You asked to go shopping,” Cybil answered, haughtily.
“No, you asked me. You were supposed to get me an outfit at the mall and instead you took me to that place...”
“I offered you an outfit. You turned up your little pointy nose at it.”
Lulu said nothing, although she was tempted to point out her nose wasn't pointy, but that would be pointless. Clearly, Cybil had some ulterior motive for this trip, but as yet, Lulu had no idea what it might be.
“Where are we going? This isn't the way back to Granny's house.” The streets were fast turning into raging rivers. Even so, Cybil continued toward the edge of town.
Cybil took no notice of Lulu's querie, staring straight ahead into the dark and stormy night.
“I'll use my bling ring and go back home if you don't tell me what you're up to, Cybil.”
“I'm counting on it, Lulu. In fact, my plan won't be complete until you do just that.”
“E.T. Phone home, E.T. Phone home, E.T. Phone home,” Lulu repeated as she twisted the Magical Ruby Witch Repelling Bling Ring on her finger, expecting that she would dematerialize back to Granny's house the moment she gave it the final turn. It had worked like magic the few times she had done it before. Instead she remained where she was: seatbelted into Cybil's car.
“It didn't work. What have you done to my Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring?”
Cybil just smiled and evil little smile, but Lulu could tell she wanted to gloat.
“Tell me how you did it, Cybil.”
“Ah, wouldn't you like to know.”
“Yes. That's why I asked. And where are you taking me now?”
“We have a stop to make before we go home,” Cybil said, as she turned down a lonely deserted road toward the absolute middle of nowhere.
“Tell me why my Bling Ring didn’t work.”
“It was a brilliant plan, really,” Cybil began. “I'm sure you remember the Wicked Witch of West Texas mentioning to you that there were things about the Bling Ring you had no way of understanding.”
“How would you know? You weren't there,” Lulu retorted.
“I know the whole story, Lulu. Including your visit to the Black Mansion and Sugarland, Not-Texas, as well as your interesting way of solving your problems there.”
Lulu didn't much like the way the conversation was heading, having assumed that what happened in Sugarland stayed in Sugarland. Nobody but the Witch should have known the story. There were some episodes that Lulu definitely didn't want getting back to her parents.
“That's beside the point now, though. You were asking about the Ring,” Cybil continued.
Lulu was glad to have the subject shift back to the Ring. But still, did Cybil really know about her whole adventure?
“Tell me what you did to it,” she demanded.
“Well, the Ring is not what it appears to be. In fact, it's disguised and it also had a hideousness hex placed on it by an amateur Wizard of your recent acquaintance. Not that he had the skill to do such a thing on his own, but he managed to get his hands on some potions when he worked for the Witch as a yes-man.”
Lulu knew she must be referring to the Marginal Wizard of Calamity Flats who had sold her dad, Jonah the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring.
“So, you've done something to my Bling Ring?”
“You really are a quick study, Lulu.”
“Why would you do that? It would be helping the Witch.”
“Precisely, Lulu. You’re catching on.”
“You hate the Witch,” Lulu objected.
“Why would I hate my own dear mother who taught me the first five precepts of Wickidity? Who do you think gave me my first Witch doll, and my first cauldron?”
“Why do you always say rude things to her then?”
“What part of the word ‘Wicked’ do you not understand, Lulu?” Cybil asked. “I know you've been over this with the Witch, so don't be daft.”
“You can’t drive all the way to Texas tonight,” Lulu pointed out. “We didn’t even pack for that long of trip.”
“Oops. The car seems to be having trouble,” Cybil commented, looking none too concerned. “Guess we’ll have to get out and walk to that spooky hauntedish mansion over there.” Cybil pointed at a house that didn’t look inviting at all.
“The Witch isn’t there, is she?”
“Well, now Lulu, we’ll find that out when we get there.”
“I won’t go.” Lulu folded her arms in front of her chest defiantly.
“Do you think it’s safe to sit in the car all night out here in the middle of nowhere? And do you have any idea how cold it’s going to get?” With that Cybil got out of the car and started walking. Lulu had little choice but to follow.
As they approached the house Lulu could hear loud music and it became clear that there was a party in progress. Lulu liked parties, but only if they were for her.
As they approached the door it was thrown open by a weird looking character with wild hair and wilder eyes. Lulu was pretty sure this was one of the people covered under the well known rule: don’t talk to strangers. A stranger being Lulu had never seen.
“Enter,” the creature bade them, and Cybil did so without hesitation. Lulu knew she would rather stick with Cybil than to trust her fate to the designs of the stranger, so she quickly followed.
“Hello Lulu,” the Witch said as they entered the room. “Like my new outfit?”
“It’s black. No surprise there,” Lulu shot back.
“It’s Prada, from the Marfa store, but I was really referring more to the accessories,” the Witch answered holding out her hand to show Lulu the Magical Witch Repelling Ruby Bling Ring.
“That’s my ring,” Lulu exclaimed. She looked down at her hand, where moments before the ring was garishly glinting on ther finger, and sure enough, it was gone.
“All rings here are my rings, Lulu. Cybil fixed the Hideousness Hex on the ring, which, as I hoped, actually inverted the hex, so that I am now inured to even the most horrendous vulgarity, but now for the biggest surprise.” The Witch produced a weird wand from inside her sleeve and waved it over the ring. When the smoke cleared, Lulu could barely believe her eyes.
The Bling Ring had turned into something fabulous.
“This, my dear Lulu, is the eye of Ganesh, one of the most valuable rubies ever,” the Witch explained, looking quite pleased.
“But...” Lulu stammered. It was truly the most beautiful thing Lulu had seen. Ever.
“As was explained to you, it was disguised as part of a plot by an unscrupulous employee, to steal the ring. I will deal with him later, but let's just say I think the sea is missing a giant albino slug. Right now I'm just glad to have my ring back. Now, you beat it, I'm having a party and children are frightfully dull at parties.” The Witch shooed her with the wave of her hand, like one would a pesky fly, and then turned away.
All of the sudden music began to play again and a whole host of people Granny would refer to as weirdos began a horridish dance.
“I am so going to tell on you, Cybil,” Lulu threatened.
“Who cares? Nobody will believe you after you got caught feeding your peas to Bob. Let's get out of here.”
“What are my mom and dad going to say when they see the Bling Ring is gone?”
“I'm sure you'll think of some excuse,” Cybil said. “If you tell them what really happened they'll just assume you lost the thing and are trying another tall tale, like your far-fetched kidnapping story, to explain it.
Lulu realized that Cybil was right. She was going to have to say she lost the ring, or be accused of making things up, yet again.
“I still don't understand how going into that store changed my ring.”
“Oh, that was easy. The vulgarity of the items in the store weakened the ring significantly, then the perfume could work its magic.”
“Perfume cancelled the curse?” Lulu asked, surprised that such a powerful perfume existed.
“The Witch has connections inside a major perfume house, and she was able to concoct a scent of that is, in itself, a curse to all who wear it, but moreso to anyone who is stuck indoors with such a person. This scent was the hideous straw that broke the back of the hideousness hex once and for all.”
“Oh, my goodness. What is that horrible smell?” Granny screamed just moments after Lulu stepped inside the house. I think I'm going to vomit,” she yelled, running toward the back bathroom. Just then Jonas came into the living room.
“Oh, crap. What happened in here?” He held his nose and looked around. “Where's the dog?”
“It's Lulu. She put on some horrible perfume at the mall,” Cybil explained. “I told her not to, but she just told me to shut up and doused herself in it.”
“I'm going to puke,” Jonas announced, and ran toward the bathroom. A super loud “RAAAAAGH, RUUUUUUAAAAGH” erupted from the bathroom, as Jonas's guts staged a coup.
Lulu noticed that Cybil was smiling just a little. At precisely that moment, Anne, Lulu's mom came into the room.
“If you're going to vomit, you'll have to go outside and bark at the ants. Both bathrooms are occupied,” Cybil announced.
“What is that horrendous scent?” Lulu's mother asked, clearly appalled at the olfactory assault she was experiencing. “Is it some kind of foul perfume?”
“Bingo,” Cybil assented. “Outside if you have to barf. Both bathrooms are taken,” Cybil reiterated, pointing toward the back door. Anne ran toward the door, slamming it behind her.
Just then Jonas reemerged from the bathroom, his complexion looking like cottage cheese left out in the sun in mid-July, except without the flies. “Get her outside before we all have to go to the hospital,” he ordered Cybil, who grabbed her umbrella with one hand and Lulu's arm with the other, dragging her toward the door.
“But I can't even smell it any more,” Lulu objected.
“That's one of its horrendous secrets,” Cybil explained.
“Hose her down,” Jonas ordered, “and use this,” he added, handing Lulu a bottle of dishwashing liquid.
“But, but...” Lulu tried to object. It was a dark and really stormy night.
“Come on. You might as well get it over with,” Cybil pulled her along dumping the entire bottle of slithery dish soap over her as soon as the reached the yard.
“Lather yourself and then I'll rinse you.”
Lulu stood there, staring at Cybil.
“Hurry up. I'm getting cold, and you'll be lucky if they even let you back in the house as it is.”
“I hate you,” Lulu snarled at Cybil.
“That's very sweet of you to say,” Cybil answered.
Lulu's teeth were chattering and she was dripping wet when she was allowed to reenter the house. Her soaked clothes clung to her shivering body.”
“She doesn't stink nearly as much...” Anne began.
“It is better,” Jonas agreed, “Just in case, though, I set up the cot in the garage.”
Granny handed Lulu a towel, remarking: “That will teach you not to spray on any old thing you see at the mall.”
Cybil could no longer stifle her smile.
“Better go to the garage, now, before anything else happens,” Anne said firmly, still dripping a little from having to puke out in the rain.
“It's cold out there,” Lulu pointed out, as she looked longingly at the crackling fire in the fireplace.
“Your dad put a heater out there, and there's a nice sleeping bag on the cot. You'll be fine,” Anne assured her.
“What about dinner?”
“Nobody will be able to eat a thing with you in the house. I'll send Cybil out with some toast or something later.”
“I don't want to stay all night out in the garage,” Lulu objected again.
“Well, let this be a learning experience for you,” Jonas said, pointing toward the garage. It was a learning experience alright. She was quickly learning that Cybil was not to be trusted.
Cybil entered the garage, holding a book about werewolves and vampires she recently read.
“I thought I'd bring you some comforting reading material,” she said, setting it on the cot next to Lulu, who had dried off and changed into the sweats her mom left for her. “You know, so you won't get scared out here all by yourself. I'm pretty sure if anything happened someone would hear you scream, as long as the wind isn't blowing too hard.” Cybil set the book down beside Lulu.
“That's not the book I want to read. What about the one you burned?”
“Better go to bed now, Lulu.”
“Wait,” Lulu called. “Why didn't the perfume make you puke?”
“The Witch devised a special stink negating nose salve. The same perfume house that's manufacturing that horrible perfume is going to market it. It's a brilliantly evil plan, really. First some gauche creature pays a fortune for the perfume, and then everyone who has to be around that person will be lining up to pay an equally exorbitant price for the antidote. Anyway, I have better things to do than sit in this cold garage surrounded by old engine parts and deepening shadows.” Cybil turned to go. “See ya. And enjoy your reading. I imagine you'll find it quite comforting out here in the lonely darkness.”
As Cybil exited the garage Lulu made one promise to herself: if ever the opportunity for revenge presented itself, Cybil would be toast. Thinking of toast just reminded her that Cybil hadn't brought her anything to eat. It was going to be a long night.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
El Dorado to the Moon
Hop in, Lu. Tighten your Van Allen seat belt and we'll be off. This caddy is ready to roll.
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