Lulu and the Witch: the X-File

One evening as twilight descended on the Magical Mountains rubbing out the last traces of a smoldering sunset Lulu walked her dog Crispin in the field. Imagine her surprise when she heard an eerie tune being whistled-- seemingly carried by the wind.

“Excuse me, miss,” a man’s voice said behind her. She spun around to find two people gazing curiously at her. “I’m Special Agent Sculder and this is my partner, Special Agent Mulley.” He pointed to the red-haired woman at his side.

“Sounds like your problem to me. Beat it,” Lulu declared.

“We’re looking into reports of some strange phenomenon in this area, possibly involving witchcraft and extra-terrestrial activities,” Sculder continued, paying Lulu’s bratty reply no mind.

Lulu just stared at them for a moment, not knowing what to make of this development. She didn’t like the look of Sculder, who was looking at her as sneakily as a fox. Mulley was staring piercingly too.

“You haven’t seen anything unusual in the area have you?” Mulley asked.

“Well, I…” Lulu hesitated. “There were the several times I was abducted by the Wicked Witch of West Texas.”

“Abducted? How?” Sculder suddenly looked excited and Mulley, well she just looked irked.

“Sculder, don’t go getting all excited. There’s no Wicked Witch here, just some very good candidates for group therapy.”

“There is too. And she’s my aunt,” Lulu replied.

“Tell us about these abductions,” Sculder answered. Mulley just rolled her eyes, as Sculder pulled out a tape recorder. Lulu began to recount the tales chronicled here, and Sculder grew more gleeful by the second.

“So, you’re saying alien visitations are connected with the Witch? This is fantastic.”

“Sculder, she’s telling you tall tales. The 'Wicked Witch of West Texas' is clearly a local legend fueled by mistrust of people from other places, which naturally includes Texans who are outsiders here in Walla Walla. Add to that some familial dysfunction and you set the stage for all kinds of ridiculous beliefs. The alien part is, no doubt, due to popular culture. Television shows that fuel societal fears of aliens, offering a fantastic target for the more mundane fear of people from other countries is obviously metastasizing with the local legend, causing delusional fantasy among the more bratty inhabitants,” Mulley replied. “There is no such thing as the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Think about it. If you could do magic why would you live in Texas? Why not the Bahamas? And why would aliens want to help operate a taco conglomerate? It’s illogical.”

“She lives in Texas because she can make wormholes into alternate universes,” Lulu explained.

“Exactly,” Sculder exclaimed. "It makes perfect sense." Mulley looked at him like he was a lunatic.

“I can’t believe you’re buying this,” Mulley replied.

Just then a loud pop split the night air and in a ball of light she began to materialize. The Wicked Witch of West Texas, that is.

“Who dares to call me during CSI?” the Witch demanded angrily. Sculder and Mulley just gaped. "David Caruso was just about to utter his one liner."

“Nobody called you,” Lulu replied. "so you can just dematerialize back to Texas."

“I heard you talking about me. You interrupted my favorite show, so it had better be good.”

“The FBI is onto you, you mean old Witch,” Lulu retorted.

“Well, not for long,” the Witch replied taking her wand from her sleeve.

“Excuse me, Ms. Witch, but I would appreciate it if you would answer a few questions,” Sculder began.

“We’ll see how being probed by aliens effects your curiosity,” the Witch said saccharinely. With that her wand, held aloft, began to glow like a beacon and within a few seconds the mother-ship appeared above them.

“So, it’s true. You are connected with the aliens,” Sculder commented.

“You’re a quick study,” the Witch answered, just as the beam shot from the craft and began to lift the agents toward the opening in its underside.

"This is great," Sculder exclaimed.

"We're being abducted, Sculder." Mulley objected. "We're going to be probed."

"Haven't you heard of takin' one for the team. Now we'll know..."

"They'll just obliterate our memory of the event like they did last time," Mulley reminded him.

"I forgot about that," Sculder said, dejectedly as they continued their ascent.

“See you two later,” Lulu called, waving at the agents. "Or not."
The X-Files: The Complete Collector's Edition