Lulu took a deep breath and blew as hard as she could. All of the candles went out. But just as Lulu was reaching for the cake knife, they began to sputter and then they all relit themselves. “Ooooh!” Lulu cried out, “how did that happen?”
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| Twisted Candles, She Should Have Suspected |
“Waaaaa, haaaaaa, haaaaaaa, haaaaaa,” a familiar cackle rang out from empty space. Then starting with the appearance of a pointy witchy nose, then the rest of the witchy face, which hovered for a few seconds in the air before the body started to appear, the Wicked Witch of West Texas materialized.
“Those are cursed candles Lulu,” the Witch explained in her most saccharine tone, “and when you blew them all out you put into effect the curse, which will kick in at the stroke of midnight on your eighteenth birthday.”
“Oh, no,” said Granny. “Don’t tell me she’s going to fall into a sleep near death from which she can only be awakened by the kiss of true love.”
“No…” said the Witch cocking and eyebrow and sneering at the shocked gathering, and letting the suspense mount for a few seconds before she went on. “It’s a lot worse than that.”
“You can’t keep me in Texas,” Lulu interjected as brattily as possible. “I’m wearing my Magical Ruby Witch Repelling Bling Ring.” She held her hand up to show the witch her ring. The witch didn't look at all perturbed.
“Don’t worry, my pretty, that isn’t the plan this time. I'll have plenty of chances to kidnap you later. Not that I will even want to once this curse takes hold. It will ruin your potential as a taco slave, but that's a small price to pay for revenge.”
“Tell us what you’ve done,” Granny demanded.
“Okay. On the stroke of midnight on Lulu’s eighteenth birthday the curse will go into effect and she will awaken the next morning with an undeniable urge to become…” she let the words hang for a second, “a performance artist.”
There was a sudden collective intake of breath and Lulu looked around the room to see that everyone had a stunned expression of horror on their faces. Except for Cybil, who looked very pleased.
“But why?” Granny was the first to speak. "She's just an innocent child."
“Well, now. Maybe you can explain how you’re having this lovely little party for the birthday of my favorite niece…”
“Your only niece.” Granny cut in.
“My one and only niece, the very same ungrateful creature whom I so generously offered a plum position in the taco industry only to have her soak me with an allergy inducing bucket of horchata” the Witch agreed, “and I never received an invitation.”
“Well, uh…” Granny stammered, “it must have been lost in the mail.”
“Waaaaa, haaaaaa, haaaaaa, haaaaa,” the Witch cackled, “I kind of expected you might say something just like that. We all know that there was no invitation, though. Don't we?”
"Maybe we have an old address, and it just didn't get to you," Jonas put in. His complexion was looking like melted roquefort, Lulu thought. It didn't look at all appetizing.
"I live in West Texas, as you are all aware. Just how many Wicked Witches of West Texas do you think there are?" She looked around the room but everyone just stared at the floor. "Never mind, though, because you will all pay."
"We aren't afraid of your stupid curse," Lulu sassed, giving the witch what she hoped was a look as mean as her math teacher gave during algebra.
The Witch just smiled.
"We'll see about that, won't we?" Then she disappeared.
“I guess I’m going to that Marginal Wizard again,” Jonas said, “but this worries me. I wish there was a Skilled Wizard of Calamity Flats, but they keep hiring burned out hippies and those guys are almost as bad as having no Wizard at all. They just want to cast some runes and clean your aura and stuff.” But, nevertheless, off they went toward Calamity Flats.
“This is very serious,” said the Marginal Wizard, “but I think I have a partial solution.”
“That sounds about right,” Jonas replied, but the Wizard missed the sarcasm.
Or maybe not, because his next words were: “Would you like to have the negativity cleansed from your aura?”
“No, I came here about the Performance Art Curse, remember?”
“Oh, yes, yes. Like I said before it’s a horrible affliction. I’ve seen some of the victims of these curses and the results can be pretty awful.”
“Poor Lulu,” Jonas moaned.
“Oh, I don’t think you should be worried about Lulu. It’s everyone else you should be concerned with.”
“What do you mean?”
“Generally the cursed person is quite happy to carry out all sorts of the most absurd histrionics. They have no sense of shame whatsoever. But for the people around them it is sheer torture. They are subjected to the most boring, obnoxious crap you can imagine," the Wizard explained.
"Oh," Jonas replied.
"The afflicted person is only encouraged by any attention it may garner, even if it's negative attention. It will get ever more ostentatious in it's displays, eventually inducing mass vomiting attacks and the like, which it will enjoy immensely."
"That's terrible."
Lulu smiled a little. She could see how this could be advantageous.
"So, you see, the Witch wasn’t actually punishing Lulu so much as she was punishing you,” the Wizard explained while twisting his beard.
“Good God." Jonas exclaimed. "What can we do? Surely you can reverse the curse.”
“Well, no. Not exactly,” the Wizard answered.
"Figures," Jonas muttered. The Wizard gave him another sharp look that seemed to imply a chakra balancing was in his near future.
"May I continue?"
Jonas said nothing. He really just wanted to get back to Walla Walla in time for dinner.
“As I was about to say, I do have something that will greatly mitigate its severity.”
“By all means we must do whatever it takes,” Jonas replied, picturing the excrutiating Hell of future Thanksgiving and Halloween dinners. He was starting to feel a little desperate.
“Tell Lulu to eat this pan dulce which has been treated with Pretentiousness Paralyzing Potion. She may still become a bit of a drama queen but at least she won’t develop the full symptoms associated with the Performance Art Curse.”
 |
| The Charmed Pan Dulce was Pink |
“Great!” Jonas exclaimed. He grabbed the pan dulce from the Marginal Wizard and back over Green Indian Road he traveled.
“Eat this Lulu,” he told her upon his arrival.
She folded her arms in front of her and scowled.
“I don’t like it,” she declared.
“You’ve never tasted it,” Jonas pointed out.
“I don’t care. I still don’t like it and I won’t eat it,” Lulu replied in her haughtiest tone. She clamped her mouth shut as tightly as possible and gave Jonas her meanest look.
“Well, then, maybe I’ll eat it,” Jonas said, lifting the pan dulce to his mouth.
“Give it to me!” Lulu screamed.
“No, Lulu, this is a very sweet frosted treat and you know how I like sweets.”
Lulu grabbed the pan dulce and ate every crumb.
"Give me more or I will scream," Lulu declared.
"Sorry, Lulu. That's all there was."
As Lulu screamed for more pan dulce, Jonas began to suspect that even without the curse there might eventually be trouble.
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